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Wait Upon God

















There is so much in my life that I thought (I don’t even know what to think anymore) was wrong and then yesterday I got the most devastating news I’ve gotten this year. It was the icing on top of everything else that was not going right in my life. Then, just when I was beginning to think it was too much and began professing my hatred for this life, out of nowhere came unexpected peace and a strange blessing. I’ve never been more humbled by a blessing. Sometimes I get it and other times I don’t. It is easier to say it, (chant it even) than to live it…God is in control, God is in control, God is in control! This has always been such a hard concept for me to grasp as I have always been very curious, controlling and demanding ever since I was a little girl. I’ve never liked surprises because of this very trait…especially unpleasant ones. Yet God has been so patient in delivering them and through each of them teaching and shaping dependence and trust in me. I remember on one occasion thinking as a little child that if I prayed hard enough that my aunt would be raised from the dead and that if I had opened her casket and spoken the words ‘wake up’ that she would wake up, but she never did. I remember watching her casket being lowered and still hoping, praying and believing that she would make a sound, kick the casket, anything to let people know she was still alive…but she never did. I remember feeling like I didn’t pray hard enough, that I didn’t believe enough, ignored, powerless, helpless, guilty and betrayed all at the same time.

 This morning I laid awake in my bed at 2:00 in the morning and it just hit me like never before how much God has been FOR me, in spite of and because of everything I have ever felt or experienced. It really hit me just how much I have to be grateful for in spite of things seemingly not going my way. It was like scales fell, fog cleared, day came and as I lay in the dark and quiet I could see the many things in my life that I had to give thanks for and even the many desires God had fulfilled in his time, throughout my life. It all came to me…the beautiful gift of remembering…so many memories.

 Sometime last week when I woke up with this verse on my mind I really thought it was for a friend and I did share it with her… ‘Wait upon the Lord; be of good courage and He will strengthen thee’ (kjv) I have since realized that this verse applies to me just as much and for every single day of my life especially as I continue to struggle with always being in control, as I rush through life with my thoughts forever buried in the future, especially as I struggle with achievement addiction, impatience and distrust. As a matter of fact all of Psalm 27 is relevant. Wait upon the Lord indeed…he will act in His own time and as He chooses. Be of good courage…to fight back against fear and disbelief that He knows best and He will strengthen you…sounds like a promise to me.

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